Porcelain

[Forward: This serves as a direct post to a particular friend of mine. It is not grammatical correct and has not been edited. It is what it is.]

Broken hearts. Funny how they turn our minds into tape recorders giving us the ability to slow down the fast-forwarding and speed up the rewinding.
Love's contentedness. One of the rarities that makes us wish we had a pause button.
Broken hearts. Our only burden to freeze time is when we least want it.
Broken hearts... the mastermind of brainwashing and blinding our minds.

Seems to be that broken hearts are quite the beasts of burden. They want us to think that we will never learn to forgive, that we will never learn to accept what has been served to us on a silver platter. They enjoy smiling behind bloodshot eyes and sinister smiles, laughing at our burdens an agony as if it was something we deserved.

I don't have a broken heart. I have many times in the past. I've had a broken heart that lasted longer than the relationship did that caused it. Currently though, a broken heart is the farthest thing on my agenda.
Ironically, people look at me and say that I should sport this broken heart. But after three years of a yo-yo relationship, even living with this particular person this summer, I honestly can say I don't carry a broken heart everywhere I go.

And I have certain people to thank for this. Aly. Ashley. Lauren. And I am probably most thankful to one person...

Myself.

These girls advised me and directed me, but never told me what to do. They were there by my side for the years of love and hate and regret and change and hope and letdowns. But after all that time, the one person who truly altered my mindset was myself.

Three years ago I was uninhibitedly in love. I saw no flaws and never sought them. I let love devour me, and I too was lured into love's massive pull. I believed in love and love only. To quote The Walkmen, "I [was] just like you, I never [heard] the bad news."

Two years ago I debated the what if's. What if I hadn't been jealous. What if I had more trust instead of prying for answers. What if I fought for love. What if I laid my cards on the table instead of shying away from my feelings. What if I was more true to my beloved rather than dating him plus two more. What if I didn't run away and instead stayed through the dark times to prove my undying devotion.

A year ago I was living through hell. At the time, at least. But as time went on, the what ifs stopped. As my hell progressed, I was able to appreciate it for the lessons and insight I gained. And as my bad days died out, I had more fun than anyone could have imagined.

This summer I forgave. I moved in, played house, played make believe. I belly laughed, smiled, daydreamed. I made loving memories, made loving gestures, and made a lot of love.

And even more recent, out of the blue came a flaky lover who left. Like stars in the sky, it faded right in front of my eyes, except I was wearing my blindfold given to me personally by love, and didn't see it coming.


And I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am. I realized a few things.

Three years ago I fell in love like we all should do. With faith. I took a leap of faith and was rewarded over and over again.

Two years ago I was debating the what ifs while he wasn't. Two years ago wasn't the right time to be true to him because he wasn't ready for it himself. Two years ago we would've never worked either way, and I did the best I could.

A year ago I learned to accept pain as the doctor inside of me dished it out. I embraced pain, maybe too much. But I learned to not fall knee deep into it, because I was capable of bouncing off pain. I had my safety nets there to help me, even if they weren't spread across all of my pain.

This summer I agreed to live through my heart. I forgave and I cannot explain the weight that completely dissolved off of my shoulders. I had a lot of fun, but even then I knew it wasn't right. Because I kept thinking about the friends I hadn't seen, the places I wasn't going, and the things I put on halt to please someone else.

Recently, I've opened my heart. I've gone out on limbs. I've done things I wouldn't normally do. I've taken leaps of faith in different ways besides love; people, things, and minds. I've accepted that everyone is unlike myself, therefor making them more beautiful than anything I could have conjured.

Basically, I've realized that I did all I could. There are no memories to look back on and wish things were different. Why would I do that when the past is set in stone. I changed my mind frame to not look at all the good, and instead reach for those memories I tucked away. Not everything was gold and glitter.

I don't want to ramble, as I am doing. For you dear friend. You will get through your pain. You will learn to accept and learn to look at things differently. And you are happy, you just can't feel it yet.