[Forward: This serves as a direct post to a particular friend of mine. It is not grammatical correct and has not been edited. It is what it is.]
Broken hearts. Funny how they turn our minds into tape recorders giving us the ability to slow down the fast-forwarding and speed up the rewinding.
Love's contentedness. One of the rarities that makes us wish we had a pause button.
Broken hearts. Our only burden to freeze time is when we least want it.
Broken hearts... the mastermind of brainwashing and blinding our minds.
Seems to be that broken hearts are quite the beasts of burden. They want us to think that we will never learn to forgive, that we will never learn to accept what has been served to us on a silver platter. They enjoy smiling behind bloodshot eyes and sinister smiles, laughing at our burdens an agony as if it was something we deserved.
I don't have a broken heart. I have many times in the past. I've had a broken heart that lasted longer than the relationship did that caused it. Currently though, a broken heart is the farthest thing on my agenda.
Ironically, people look at me and say that I should sport this broken heart. But after three years of a yo-yo relationship, even living with this particular person this summer, I honestly can say I don't carry a broken heart everywhere I go.
And I have certain people to thank for this. Aly. Ashley. Lauren. And I am probably most thankful to one person...
Myself.
These girls advised me and directed me, but never told me what to do. They were there by my side for the years of love and hate and regret and change and hope and letdowns. But after all that time, the one person who truly altered my mindset was myself.
Three years ago I was uninhibitedly in love. I saw no flaws and never sought them. I let love devour me, and I too was lured into love's massive pull. I believed in love and love only. To quote The Walkmen, "I [was] just like you, I never [heard] the bad news."
Two years ago I debated the what if's. What if I hadn't been jealous. What if I had more trust instead of prying for answers. What if I fought for love. What if I laid my cards on the table instead of shying away from my feelings. What if I was more true to my beloved rather than dating him plus two more. What if I didn't run away and instead stayed through the dark times to prove my undying devotion.
A year ago I was living through hell. At the time, at least. But as time went on, the what ifs stopped. As my hell progressed, I was able to appreciate it for the lessons and insight I gained. And as my bad days died out, I had more fun than anyone could have imagined.
This summer I forgave. I moved in, played house, played make believe. I belly laughed, smiled, daydreamed. I made loving memories, made loving gestures, and made a lot of love.
And even more recent, out of the blue came a flaky lover who left. Like stars in the sky, it faded right in front of my eyes, except I was wearing my blindfold given to me personally by love, and didn't see it coming.
And I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am. I realized a few things.
Three years ago I fell in love like we all should do. With faith. I took a leap of faith and was rewarded over and over again.
Two years ago I was debating the what ifs while he wasn't. Two years ago wasn't the right time to be true to him because he wasn't ready for it himself. Two years ago we would've never worked either way, and I did the best I could.
A year ago I learned to accept pain as the doctor inside of me dished it out. I embraced pain, maybe too much. But I learned to not fall knee deep into it, because I was capable of bouncing off pain. I had my safety nets there to help me, even if they weren't spread across all of my pain.
This summer I agreed to live through my heart. I forgave and I cannot explain the weight that completely dissolved off of my shoulders. I had a lot of fun, but even then I knew it wasn't right. Because I kept thinking about the friends I hadn't seen, the places I wasn't going, and the things I put on halt to please someone else.
Recently, I've opened my heart. I've gone out on limbs. I've done things I wouldn't normally do. I've taken leaps of faith in different ways besides love; people, things, and minds. I've accepted that everyone is unlike myself, therefor making them more beautiful than anything I could have conjured.
Basically, I've realized that I did all I could. There are no memories to look back on and wish things were different. Why would I do that when the past is set in stone. I changed my mind frame to not look at all the good, and instead reach for those memories I tucked away. Not everything was gold and glitter.
I don't want to ramble, as I am doing. For you dear friend. You will get through your pain. You will learn to accept and learn to look at things differently. And you are happy, you just can't feel it yet.
Hello.
10.25.2009
10.15.2009
a discourse from the mind in the "new moon"
Maybe we are never better off like we dream we are going to be. Yes, we are changed. We have developed new appreciations for things we, at first, had developed a misunderstanding to. We have reworked our traditional definitions and have transformed them into what we think is right. But we still may not be better off. Different, of course. Bolder and more open and ready to except the plight of the unknown, but not better off entirely.
What spawns this idea of being “better off” is the counteraction that occurs within. When we say we won’t look back because we are better off without - it, him, her, them, that, this – we are rejecting any notion to turn back for one last look. We become the hypocrites that scorn our past, demanding our hearts to follow close behind our minds. But our hearts are a wondrous, disastrous little invention. We are in awe like mystified apocalyptic believers, the ones who swear to see the future in a looking glass, yet we are enlightened not only by these feelings, but by the reservations of our minds. And most always, our mind is going to weigh out each option before running away with one as opposed to our heart, which is ready to book a flight to anywhere.
The mind will always try to convince the heart into these words we’ve been taught to feel when life pulls us to the side. There we are on the side of the road, skinned knees and no direction in sight, lost for the first time alone. We are brainwashed to feel a moment that might not, nor ever has, existed. We step on each crack that we’ve been told not to, because after all, our feet want to feel that same thrill as other’s have. But once we do, we realize its not the actually stepping that makes us believe, but it was the leap of faith that brought us there; The inside observer to an outside world who for once wanted to man-ship and take on a journey for his own pleasure instead of fitting the mold of contentment to those around him.
As we age into what someday “we will become”, we can never go back to being what we once were. There are too many long tales, short rides, and forever-ongoing journeys that have carved away a part of us. But we still commit to the Wiseman’s cryptic whisper “you are better off”. It isn’t necessarily lying when he tells us this, but because we’ve encountered so many roadblocks on the journey to always-forever-better-forever land, we get stumped. We deteriorate into sloths that are lost and lust-greedy. We don’t feel better off and we think we will never learn that meaning because it wasn’t written in the stars – for us, at least.
But what about the possibility that lies deep beneath the surface? Maybe along the road, we discover under full moons filled with heartaches and closets filled with ridden secrets, that the self discovery we endure each day the sun sets is what makes us better off. Maybe “better off” is just a sign directing us into new places and travels that we might have been too fearsome to discover on our own. Maybe we needed the light from our tour guide- Better Off- to lead us into the always-hard-to-pinch “unknowing”.
We are better off if we can take a look inside. We realize, many times too late to have already skipped the appreciation stage that we are better off because we have adapted. We adapted out of the circumstances of life, and through this we have encountered new minds to pick through and new hearts that have sanded and smoothed some of those chipped edges of our hearts. Because we are forever reshaping and reworking our insides, we should accept that better off is not definite or polar. It is evolving, like us, and like the entire sea that brings in new salty sand onto the edges of humanity. We are not specks in the vast universe, because each of us have been that one shell that drifts onto shore that a child down the road wears as her everyday necklace. We are better off when we realize that each of us is more important, and far less important, than we ever could’ve imagined.
But we are mainly “better off” when we’ve learned that we are not alone. When all has been said, spat, scoured, and swooned, we were there with someone, who like us, will be better off.
"
The relation to melody? "Roslyn" by Bon Iver & St. Vincent.
http://mp3face.com/2009/10/the-twilight-saga-new-moon-soundtrack/
What spawns this idea of being “better off” is the counteraction that occurs within. When we say we won’t look back because we are better off without - it, him, her, them, that, this – we are rejecting any notion to turn back for one last look. We become the hypocrites that scorn our past, demanding our hearts to follow close behind our minds. But our hearts are a wondrous, disastrous little invention. We are in awe like mystified apocalyptic believers, the ones who swear to see the future in a looking glass, yet we are enlightened not only by these feelings, but by the reservations of our minds. And most always, our mind is going to weigh out each option before running away with one as opposed to our heart, which is ready to book a flight to anywhere.
The mind will always try to convince the heart into these words we’ve been taught to feel when life pulls us to the side. There we are on the side of the road, skinned knees and no direction in sight, lost for the first time alone. We are brainwashed to feel a moment that might not, nor ever has, existed. We step on each crack that we’ve been told not to, because after all, our feet want to feel that same thrill as other’s have. But once we do, we realize its not the actually stepping that makes us believe, but it was the leap of faith that brought us there; The inside observer to an outside world who for once wanted to man-ship and take on a journey for his own pleasure instead of fitting the mold of contentment to those around him.
As we age into what someday “we will become”, we can never go back to being what we once were. There are too many long tales, short rides, and forever-ongoing journeys that have carved away a part of us. But we still commit to the Wiseman’s cryptic whisper “you are better off”. It isn’t necessarily lying when he tells us this, but because we’ve encountered so many roadblocks on the journey to always-forever-better-forever land, we get stumped. We deteriorate into sloths that are lost and lust-greedy. We don’t feel better off and we think we will never learn that meaning because it wasn’t written in the stars – for us, at least.
But what about the possibility that lies deep beneath the surface? Maybe along the road, we discover under full moons filled with heartaches and closets filled with ridden secrets, that the self discovery we endure each day the sun sets is what makes us better off. Maybe “better off” is just a sign directing us into new places and travels that we might have been too fearsome to discover on our own. Maybe we needed the light from our tour guide- Better Off- to lead us into the always-hard-to-pinch “unknowing”.
We are better off if we can take a look inside. We realize, many times too late to have already skipped the appreciation stage that we are better off because we have adapted. We adapted out of the circumstances of life, and through this we have encountered new minds to pick through and new hearts that have sanded and smoothed some of those chipped edges of our hearts. Because we are forever reshaping and reworking our insides, we should accept that better off is not definite or polar. It is evolving, like us, and like the entire sea that brings in new salty sand onto the edges of humanity. We are not specks in the vast universe, because each of us have been that one shell that drifts onto shore that a child down the road wears as her everyday necklace. We are better off when we realize that each of us is more important, and far less important, than we ever could’ve imagined.
But we are mainly “better off” when we’ve learned that we are not alone. When all has been said, spat, scoured, and swooned, we were there with someone, who like us, will be better off.
"
The relation to melody? "Roslyn" by Bon Iver & St. Vincent.
http://mp3face.com/2009/10/the-twilight-saga-new-moon-soundtrack/
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