Revelations in blackness

I dreamed a stellar dream last night.




In the blackness of my room, I slipped in and out of consciousness barely able to decipher the difference. At moments I heard scratching and pawing at my window.. Cory's soul being the culprit yet gracious visitor. I thought of him in his last moments of life. I thought of the light that was tempting him to visit, breathing the calmest song to end his discomfort.

You never hear stories of people who see a hellish light before they get sucked into the fiery reigns of eternal damnation so terrible that it was buried deep below our feet so each movement we made stomped on the heads of those in exile. No, we can't believe in hell, because we would be terrified to feel any joy if we knew our dooming end was the pits of all this universe. But we hear these stories from people who almost were facing the light to heaven. We hear that our actions on this world make impacts so great that someone or something from up above will wait to greet us with arms wide open. We learned that our presence on this living world was just a moral test to make sure that the impacts we made on people touched them for that brief moment in time.

I have been afflicted lately with certain feelings regarding happiness and materials. At the end of the day, its not how many possessions we've accumulated or things we have been able to call our own (unless you count relationships and the people who made them). As much as we are taught to understand the value of money and the reasons why we need it, we are also given a blinded perception, considering money doesn't equivalent happiness. Happiness can't be the things we have acquired, because on our dying day, well at least mine, it wasn't the dollars and cents, the clothes and cars, the houses and planes trains and other valuable possessions that will race through my mind.

In my final breaths... the love from my mother when I was a little girl would come to the forefront. How she healed my bruised knees with a boo-boo kiss. The words that moved mountains from my Dad's trembling voice, when he was upset and showed vulnerability, but assured me things would be okay. The hugs my best friends gave me with glasses of wine to ease the pain of any breakup. The breakups I endured just to makeup with the hearts of men that I loved through and through. A kiss above a lake with a visiting starship that forever was engrained in my memory. The hands I held, the souls I touched, the words I said and even the silence I gave that helped a creature of this planet put to rest their own demons. It was sometimes more satisfying to listen to those who needed ears, not words.

I just know that my success in this world will come. I know that money will not be a concern for me because it will come, but I will be ready to share and spread it to people who can really benefit from it. And being that happiness is more of my priority, the money I attain will be more of a humanitarian act for others. The karma you create is what is the reward. And I hope everyone can leave a little of their selfishness for the wind to carry it away, and instead use their altruistic nature to offset the pettiness.

Love for anyone who reads this. Touch a soul today. Yours, theirs, and mine.

(thanks a million and one for the song recommendation)

skinny love

Always patient, and always kind, it was written for you.

You don't have to be exceedingly tightly bound to another soul to feel sorrow for their passing. You don't have to memorize their history to love them. You don't even have to know the person, but you can still share their life in memories.

(For Cory, the boy from North Country.)


Most of my time spend with you was years back. We would get high at camp outs and make toasts at the lake to faces with similar smiles. We were friends through friends, and yet you being gone has made me feel for you and all those in between.

Chris was one of your best friends, and I loved Chris's heart more than my own for many, many moons. I can't say enough to make you understand how much you being gone will effect him. All of your friends knew you as the guy with the laughter that outshines the sun. The man with the baby face that made all dull days a bit more promising. And the boy with the alphabetized CD selection that was whipped out on number occasions so everyone had something to dance to while talking shit at the flip cup table.

I didn't know your fears. I didn't know your favorite food or movie or color or song. I didn't know enough about you, which is one of my regrets. I wish I had gotten to know you better. It sounds cliche, but damn it's the honest to God truth.

Numbness has set in. I know you'll be cherishing your time with Winston, TuPac, and Biggie in heaven. I saw your status that you wrote saying you weren't an angel. Lucky for you, you were an angel long before you died. Everyone knows that. You need to know it now.

Give everyone in heaven the heads up, because they are about to party their faces off with you. Keep the good times rolling. And come say hello when everyone raises their glasses in your honor. Don't be a stranger, your boys need you just like they always have.

I hope you didn't suffer. I hope you are so pain free right now. I hope you know how much everyone is broken. You know this. Miss you so badly.

the moments you visualize that may or may not be

Maybe it's my reminiscent nature, but I can't shake the beautiful moments. It could have been seeing old faces that looked so hard the times before, but I really cannot get over how much beauty there has been in my life.

It feels wonderful to know that we can still melt people the way we once have. It is more comforting to know that sometimes feelings can be dormant, and stay that way. It is even more astonishing the realization we learn from ourselves, when we understand that we can put a lid on past fondness.

My motto has clearly and 100 percent always been to live for the moments. Whether it is living the moment or knowing that you have created one, I live for the moments.

Moments where candles were lit and jazz was played when we baked ourselves in your bedroom the day of the blizzard. Or the other time I grabbed your face in my hands at my old house and madly adrenalized our lips together. Maybe it was those days when the cold spots in the sheets felt so good since we had been sweating the summer heat out all night side by side. It could have been that day we sat at the park, the place where we broke up to just make up, and saw the alien in the sky transform our beliefs in the beyond. It could have been you back in my bed, tracing dreams in my side with your finger the way I once remembered better than the way to your house. Or maybe it wasn't you, but instead it was him. Yes, now I remember. He was the one that blamed me for "calling the kettle black" just because he knew that I'd come running. Or it was in my car the first time we were ever given the room to be alone. We were stopped at a red light and I looked over at you to my right and whispered "forever yours. faithfully" from that Journey song I never bothered to commit to memory. But if it wasn't him, it was the other guy that had mirrors over his bed and liked it when I slept on top of him to keep us warm. I never even liked him that much but I liked him at the time for the tricks he had hiding up his sleeves. But it could've been you. The boy with the eyes that always look troubled. Maybe it was you who taught me how to have an insatiable appetite for the wild things we did and do. Maybe it was him though, the one I never thought I'd ever leave.. even though I did. It could've been him. Walking arm in arm that one night near the saloon where we mimicked that Bob Dylan cover. I loved that night and I loved the intensity you had for my every word. They just lingered in your mind just as I'd let them slip off my tongue.

If it wasn't him, it was you. But if it wasn't you, it was someone kind of like you, or him. And if it were neither, it was someone else who was outstanding at the time. You all were beautiful. Faces, eyes, lips, hands. All of you were beautiful, but honestly, none of you stood out any more than the other. The only thing I could count on was those moments we had. With you, him, maybe someday her. No one knows. All we know is the moment we are in.

This moment is for you, though. The boy in the car with the Journey song. You probably don't remember. It's okay, I do.